word vomit

honestly, i have been avoiding this blog for a while. when i read through my past posts they are well thought out and intelligent and they have a purpose. but lately i  have not been feeling like any of those things. so i have avoided this site like the plague with hopes that i  would soon start to feel like the person that wrote all of those posts. but im realizing maybe its okay that i don't feel like that person. maybe its okay i  don't feel put together and perfect.  so in all honesty to whoever is reading, this is word vomit. this is me writing because putting words on paper makes me feel purposeful and proud. because it makes me feel accomplished when i can scroll through and see all that i have done. so no, this has no purpose, no thesis, no underlying message. just grammar imperfections and incomplete thoughts. and for now, that is enough for me.

i  used to have my entire life planned. i  knew what i  wanted to be doing, i  knew when i  planned on graduating, when (more like if) i  was going to be married. however now, i am no longer graduating on time. i am not going to school for what i thought i would be going to school for, and i have a cat. and its  weird to think about how a few years ago in my head, i thought i  would be in a completely different place. and sometimes i feel guilty that im not. i look at my friends who are very much on path and i get kinda jealous, then i feel very self conscious. and its weird. because i don't need to feel that way, yet i inherently do. i feel like im off track, when in reality i am right where i need to be. i  think i rush myself into life. i want to do so many things that i hurry myself through them so that i can do that next big thing, but maybe theres a reason that my life is moving slower than i want it to. maybe im not meant to run at full speed just yet. but if thats the case, what am i  supposed to be learning in the mean time? 

i  also think i settle too much. and i  think that a lot of people struggle with that as well. and this could all be in my head, but i  think that we all settle because we're scared of being seen as a burden or a problem to others. which is ridiculous!! for example, i am so so so bad about settling in restaurants. like when my order is wrong,  i  will shut up and just eat it anyways because i  am more concerned with bothering them than i  am with the fact that i  am settling for something i don't even want. i  know someone can relate to that, and if its  just me.... someone please tell me so that i  can maybe grow a spine. settling in my life goes far beyond restaurants. its  in situations, friendships, relationships, overall quality of life. so this year i have decided to simply, stop. i will no longer settle. and ive already started on this elusive goal, ive started to evaluate my life and see whats good and whats not. to stop settling doesn't just mean stop accepting the mediocre, it is also is figuring out what i want and need instead and asking for it. it is speaking up for myself, which BOY i am bad at. a large part of me is comfortable with where i am. but there is a small part of me SCREAMING that while i may be comfortable, i am not HAPPY. this year i want to be happy and if that is found in the uncomfy, BRING IT ON. and its wild because since ive made this goal and started acting on it, i have experienced more joy than i have in a while. im getting me back. im figuring out what i want and im pursuing it. i'm finally letting go of comfortable and reaching out for more.


this is not at all where i saw this post going. it is messy, chaotic, and full of mistakes.

very on brand i guess.