Attention.
Hey guys, it's me, Kaylee. For those of you that didn't know, I love attention. And now for those of you thinking that that is not something you would willingly admit in a million years, I am working on being more ~transparent~ (shameless plug to my previous blog post!) I have this desire to be loved and liked by everyone I meet, and I also feel like I need the affirmation this brings. And while yes, I know I am loved, worthy, cherished, and chosen by my Heavenly Father and worldly praise holds no candle to that... it's also incredibly nice to have that affirmation from others.
However recently I have caught myself sacrificing parts of myself in order to receive that praise, or holding parts of myself back with the intention of being liked more because that part of me wasn't broadcasted. I was trading parts of myself for others with the hopes that their affirmation would make me feel whole and important. I was sacrificing my identity for the attention I craved. (I, personally, believe this desire for attention and affirmation comes from my past, you know the parts of your childhood that never leave even though you have worked past them and grown? But that is for another time.) Through this I realized that I am in fact, not truly known. I have been holding parts of myself back or falsely adopting traits to the point that my desire to please others was erasing me.
This led me to think back to Matt Chandler's talk at Passion 2019. He said "To be 99% known and 1% unknown, is to be 100% unknown. It is impossible to receive love, affirmation, or affection from anyone because you have convinced yourself you can not be loved if people know that 1%." BOYYYY is that true. Through hiding my own 1% I have not allowed others to know me fully and to love me the way I need to be loved. I have hidden myself or changed myself out of shame and the desire for attention and to be liked. I convinced myself that in doing this I was helping myself, when in reality I was causing myself more harm than good.
I then started to relate this to my walk with God. I noticed that I am repeatedly trying to change myself for Jesus to make myself appear better than I am. Pssshhh, like I can trick Jesus, am I right? I was constantly trying to "clean myself up" for Jesus, as if he isn't asking for me in all of my brokenness to come to him.
Jesus did not ask me to clean myself up for him. He did not ask me to change and be someone else so he could love me. Jesus loves me where I am and he asks me to bring the pain and problems to him as they are. He does not ask me to be something I am not. He does not get mad at me when I am not the perfect person. Our inconsistencies are His story. Because one day, when those slip ups are gone, it will be His glory and His story. My shame and my slip ups and my brokenness are trophies of His grace and mercy. They are symbols of His forgiveness even when I don't deserve it.
Jesus loves me NOW, not some future version of me. He loves YOU now.
In realizing my own love for attention and affirmation and the things it was costing me, it also showed me something even more important:
All my brokenness and slip ups are okay. Every time I run back to God is okay. Grace is for the journey, and I can never, ever out sin the cross.
However recently I have caught myself sacrificing parts of myself in order to receive that praise, or holding parts of myself back with the intention of being liked more because that part of me wasn't broadcasted. I was trading parts of myself for others with the hopes that their affirmation would make me feel whole and important. I was sacrificing my identity for the attention I craved. (I, personally, believe this desire for attention and affirmation comes from my past, you know the parts of your childhood that never leave even though you have worked past them and grown? But that is for another time.) Through this I realized that I am in fact, not truly known. I have been holding parts of myself back or falsely adopting traits to the point that my desire to please others was erasing me.
This led me to think back to Matt Chandler's talk at Passion 2019. He said "To be 99% known and 1% unknown, is to be 100% unknown. It is impossible to receive love, affirmation, or affection from anyone because you have convinced yourself you can not be loved if people know that 1%." BOYYYY is that true. Through hiding my own 1% I have not allowed others to know me fully and to love me the way I need to be loved. I have hidden myself or changed myself out of shame and the desire for attention and to be liked. I convinced myself that in doing this I was helping myself, when in reality I was causing myself more harm than good.
I then started to relate this to my walk with God. I noticed that I am repeatedly trying to change myself for Jesus to make myself appear better than I am. Pssshhh, like I can trick Jesus, am I right? I was constantly trying to "clean myself up" for Jesus, as if he isn't asking for me in all of my brokenness to come to him.
Jesus did not ask me to clean myself up for him. He did not ask me to change and be someone else so he could love me. Jesus loves me where I am and he asks me to bring the pain and problems to him as they are. He does not ask me to be something I am not. He does not get mad at me when I am not the perfect person. Our inconsistencies are His story. Because one day, when those slip ups are gone, it will be His glory and His story. My shame and my slip ups and my brokenness are trophies of His grace and mercy. They are symbols of His forgiveness even when I don't deserve it.
Jesus loves me NOW, not some future version of me. He loves YOU now.
In realizing my own love for attention and affirmation and the things it was costing me, it also showed me something even more important:
All my brokenness and slip ups are okay. Every time I run back to God is okay. Grace is for the journey, and I can never, ever out sin the cross.
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