Intricacy Within Simplicity

honestly, i have been avoiding this blog for a while. when i read through my past posts they are well thought out and intelligent and they have a purpose. but lately i  have not been feeling like any of those things. so i have avoided this site like the plague with hopes that i  would soon start to feel like the person that wrote all of those posts. but im realizing maybe its okay that i don't feel like that person. maybe its okay i  don't feel put together and perfect.  so in all honesty to whoever is reading, this is word vomit. this is me writing because putting words on paper makes me feel purposeful and proud. because it makes me feel accomplished when i can scroll through and see all that i have done. so no, this has no purpose, no thesis, no underlying message. just grammar imperfections and incomplete thoughts. and for now, that is enough for me. i  used to have my entire life planned. i  knew what i  wanted to be doing, i  knew when i...

Hey guys, it's me, Kaylee. For those of you that didn't know, I love attention. And now for those of you thinking that that is not something you would willingly admit in a million years, I am working on being more ~transparent~ (shameless plug to my previous blog post!) I have this desire to be loved and liked by everyone I meet, and I also feel like I need the affirmation this brings. And while yes, I know I am loved, worthy, cherished, and chosen by my Heavenly Father and worldly praise holds no candle to that... it's also incredibly nice to have that affirmation from others. However recently I have caught myself sacrificing parts of myself in order to receive that praise, or holding parts of myself back with the intention of being liked more because that part of me wasn't broadcasted. I was trading parts of myself for others with the hopes that their affirmation would make me feel whole and important. I was sacrificing my identity for the attention I craved. (I, p...

I have recently come to the conclusion that I need to be more transparent with my life. I get into this habit of only wanting the good things to be public knowledge and only putting my best foot forward. I tend to only want to be seen as calm, cool, collected and content. I portray this image on social media and in real life that I am put together and incredibly happy with everything and I have realized that all this does is hurt myself. By forcing this image of "put-togetherness" I am forcing myself to not acknowledge my shortcomings or feelings. I am inadvertently suffocating myself due to my desire to seem together. And I firmly believe I am not the only one who genuinely struggles with this concept. In this day and age we are pressured to seem perfect and content and successful, but in reality sometimes we need the world to know of our misfortunes so they can provide solace or comfort. Due to the stigma surrounding failure, we feel forced to not reach out when we feel t...

As I have grown up I have often noticed that people, including myself, tend to be different people for different situations. And while sometimes this makes sense, for example you can't quote The Office in a business meeting like you would if you're with friends, other times it doesn't. Sometimes it does more harm than good. As a Christian I experience this often. People who think they need to be one thing in order to be good enough for God.  PLOT TWIST: God loves the weak and the broken. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says " But he said to me,  “My grace  is sufficient for you, for my power  is made perfect in weakness. ”  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.   That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight  in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions,  in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."  In our weakness God is glorified and made stronger. God purposely ...

Before I started college I wrote myself a letter full of goals and dreams for college me. I made goals for who I would be and what I wanted to accomplish. This letter resurfaced recently and as I read through it I felt inspired by my younger self.  BE OPEN BE KIND BE FORGIVING BE GENEROUS BE LOVING BE TRUE TO YOURSELF    These are the goals I had written down for myself and these are the things I wanted to accomplish. As my sophomore year comes to an end I am realizing how big of a role these goals have played in my college life. This list is no small list. This list is what has helped me make friends and what has helped me follow my heart and love others well. My App State chapter may have closed, but when I look back on it I see that I was showered in love from my closest friends, I had many experiences where I had to forgive others, and many more when I needed for them to forgive me. I experienced kindness in the truest forms and aimed to share it with all I e...

Recently a good friend of mine and I were talking about ~love~ Yep. The hard "L." The word that single handedly strikes fear into the hearts of all who are scared of commitment. We talked about how we didn't truly know what love was or if we had felt it. Me being me, I started to reflect. Upon this reflection I came to my usual conclusion that I have never felt "love" nor experienced it and it is in fact, a fallacy. A fake. A mirage. To me love is like seeing Chick-fil-a open on a Sunday, it will never happen. I adopted this belief early on in high school. I was most definitely trying to seem deep and insightful, and I was also most definitely trying to impress a boy. And while one must of course think that this was just a phase and of course I grew out of it... I did not. I dug in deeper and deeper and let this thought consume me. I made it my sole belief system. I convinced myself that love was not real and if you could say you love pizza and also say you ...

Valentine’s Day is honestly the worst. It is expensive, excessive, and obnoxious. Maybe I’m just incredibly cynical and maybe one day when I am with the person of my dreams I will have a completely different opinion, but as of now I am not a fan. Only showing love on one day seems strange, it’s odd that people wait until February 14th to show their significant other just how grand they are. The bears and chocolate and flowers, all pretty over the top am I right? And all for one day!! I feel like the reason I am such a critic is because I know what true love is. I know what it is like to be loved grandly everyday. I know that I have a savior who literally died for me, if that isn’t love BOYYYY I don’t know what is. He set the standard pretty high off the bat, Jesus died to show his love for us and to forgive us of our sins (so don’t just accept chocolate ladies! — please note I am joking).  He knew all of my flaws and all of my bad decisions and still chose to love me, forgive ...

Vision is a clear picture or idea of what you want to see happen, whether that's in a moment or big picture. This idea of having a vision is essential, especially in college. I struggle with vision because I constantly rely on others to shape my wants and desires and I know that. I realized this is why I lacked satisfaction in my life. I lacked real, pure joy because I was unable to truly figure out what my heart, mind, and soul desired.  Without vision you will struggle and settle and become complacent in your own life. You will settle for whats occuring because you don't know what to strive for. Without vision you will get stuck in your same patterns; growth and change is hard because you lack the idea of what or who you want to be. Without a vision life feels boring, you have nothing to work towards. Your dating life seems stagnant. Without vision you can feel lonely even when surrounded by friends because you don't have a real vision for community. Determining what ...

This spring I am transferring to UNCW, and I have never felt more excited or felt so led to pursue something. Throughout my time at App I learned so much, in and out of the classroom. However, this semester has taught me more about myself and my faith than any other. This semester showed me how truly strong I am. It taught me who and what to rely on. It pushed my limits and I learned more about myself than I ever could've, but while this sounds like a phenomenal experience it was actually the hardest thing I have ever done.  Earlier this semester I had my first experience with 'mean girls' which is crazy because, like, this is college right? But like Bowling for Soup once said, "high school never ends." I remember laying in my bed late that night rereading everything that was said to me and rethinking everything. I replayed every conversation and interaction with every person up to that point. I convinced myself that every hateful word that was said was true. I ...

Highs and lows. Literally and figuratively. They're tricky, one person's high could be seen as another person's low. For example, one person's happiness could be another's sadness. Lately I have been figuring that out the hard way.  While I see others grow and prosper I am seeing those who are also left behind by that. Then theres that awkward situation where you want to be happy for them but in all reality in your head you are wishing them the very worst. Its sad, because this happens more than we would like to admit. This situation is one where you can't always speak up, because in some cases your voice alone will disturb the joy.  SO, what do you do? This past week I have faced that incredibly tough question. I had the ~ opportunity ~ to try two different approaches, and both (not surprisingly) failed. Lesson learned here: LET THEM BE HAPPY.  Regardless of your opinions or thoughts or previous experiences, mind ya dang business. I learned that whi...

Today I realize that my first year as a college student is coming to an end. WOW. This year has been a rollercoaster of events. I have found myself and I have finally found a great group  of people who are supportive and kind and loving.  My first year began on August 10th, just 4 days after I turned 18. I was barely an adult yet I was thrown into the adult world and I was expected to thrive. I knew nothing. I was lost and confused and often had to ask for help (which my independent self hates doing). I remember the first month and I thought everything was fine, I had no homesickness, I had friends, classes were great. And then all of a sudden I was in bed crying at night because I missed the familiarity of home and the safety of Raleigh and my family/friends there (and my cats, let's be honest). I didn't feel like I had a real friend group, I didn't feel like I fit in, I was miserable. So I started applying to schools in Raleigh. I not only applied to schools, but a...

I have always been very impatient. When I decide I want something I want it then, if I want to do something I want to do it then. I like to call myself 'spontaneous' but in all reality, it is just my lack of patience. It has led to quite a few piercings, two tattoos, and a brand new hair color that I believed I had to have RIGHT then. Don't get me wrong, I am very happy with the decisions I've made and I think they helped me gain confidence along the way, but I have noticed an issue. As I make these impulsive decisions I cause myself to believe that everything should happen in an instant and if it doesn't I get irritated. And this isn't only a problem of mine that I face everyday with family and friends, but I also face it with God. I serve a patient, loving God. A God who takes his time because he knows the end and the beginning and is confident in the outcome, he has no need to rush. But, I on the other hand see a thousand reasons to rush. Hurry and finish...

I started and erased this post too many times trying to make it sound eloquent, but here it is plain and simple: PEOPLE SUCK. People have ulterior motives and they have their own agendas for your role in their life. But it is most evident in dating. When people decide they like people there is usually some motive. Don't get me wrong, sometimes it's because they genuinely like you and think that you're grand. But a lot of the time its for them. People get into relationships because it is good for them, it happens all the time. They're lonely so they use a person to fill the void, or they want attention, or they think that YOU can do something for THEM.  This drives me crazy. I will honestly admit that I have done my fair share of this too, and I feel so bad for the people who were affected by this, but as I have lived in this wild "adult world" I have finally realized my ways and realized how absolutely terrible it is to treat people like this. People a...

Currently in week 6 of this adventure called college. When I first moved in I felt alive and free and rebellious and like I could do anything, because ya know, college. But now its week 6. I have taken tests, I have studied, I have written papers, and I can officially say that it is not anything like I expected. When I first arrived at Appalachian I believed that homesickness was a myth. How could you miss home when you lived in the prettiest part of North Carolina? Why would I miss Raleigh's traffic, or the burning heat when you went outside in the summer, or the constant road renovations? How could anyone miss the crowded streets of downtown, or the way the stoplight is always red at Capital Blvd.? Why would you want to be at home where your parents controlled what you did and when, where you had a curfew and you were told to "not hangout with those people"? I thought it was physically impossible to miss the structured life I lived in Raleigh. But now I am 6 weeks in...

dear self, soon you will be going on the adventure that is college. while you are there learning new things i hope you learn new things about yourself. I hope you learn to love yourself. I hope you learn to accept yourself. I hope you learn to show kindness and feel joy. I hope you stop doubting yourself. I hope you find love and success. I hope you learn how to better love others and not push others away. BE OPEN BE KIND BE FORGIVING BE GENEROUS BE LOVING BE TRUE TO YOURSELF do not change for others. do not change yourself just to please others. do not try to be something you're not. work hard. do not give up. never quit. put yourself first, but never ever put others off. show God's love constantly. you may be the only Jesus your peers will see, act like it. do not mislead others. you have greatness in you. you may not know it but you will do great things. i believe in you. -kaylee 8/2/16

happiness is a rare thing. many believe that they experience it daily but in reality we bring ourselves to accept events and become content, which we later process as "happiness." contentment is a more frequently encountered emotion.  but happiness? oh, true happiness is an elated feeling. a feeling that makes you believe anything is possible. makes you feel like you're soaring. you feel light hearted and it is as if time stops.              JUST STOPS.  right then and there the elated joy, the happiness, brings time to a sudden halt.  ---- but this happiness... it's fleeting.  its is gone as quickly as it came. you base your standards off of that happiness. BUT HOW DO CAN YOU FIND IT AGAIN? you frantically search for it in drugs, alcohol, relationships, religion, ANYTHING. but happiness is evasive, ellusive; constantly slipping through your grasps.  so you can ask why people would rather lack this feeling all together, and it ...

Love is patient, love is kind, love does not boast, love does not envy.  We hear these things and we all agree and say that it is true, yet we do not apply it to our own lives. Our generation thinks love is sex, sending pictures, having the hottest significant other, texting 24/7.  THAT IS NOT LOVE.  If you only love him person when you're kissing him, you don't love him. If you only want her when she wants someone else, you don't freaking love her. If him yelling at the wall doesn't make you want to hold his fists so he doesn't start to throw punches, you're not in love with him. If the only words you use to describe her eyes are "ocean" or "pool blue" you don't love her. If you think you can accurately describe him at all you don't love him. If his white knuckles on the steering wheel don't make your stomach turn and feel alive all at once, you don't love him. If her voice doesn't replace the silent ringing in y...

Wildflowers have always made me feel jealous. They are outstandingly beautiful and go wherever the wind takes them, and for a while I wasn't sure which of those two things I was the most jealous of. But then one day it hit me, while they are beautiful and free, they are always being plucked out of the ground to be kept, as if people fear it is the last one they will find. It was in this moment of realization that I was no longer jealous of the wildflowers for I had a deeper connection to them.  We are all wildflowers. All beautiful in one way or another, and all free. We could leave wherever we are at any point in time with no warning and never look back and plant new roots and it is all perfectly acceptable. And like the wildflower, every single day someone is trying to pluck you, they are trying to claim you as their own. Don't get me wrong, this isn't a bad thing, it can be the most marvelous moment in someones life, the moment someone chooses you can chang...

  when you look up at the sky and you see the colors blending to make a new one, coming together in ways artists can't recreate, what do you think? cotton candy skies? or how magnificent our God is that He created it? or that the way the light is shining through is breathtaking? do you only think about the sunset and its array of colors?  because whenever i see sunsets i think of you. i think of the way the colors blend  and how they come together perfectly just like your hand in mine. i think of the ripples in the clouds that are identical to the dimples in your cheeks. i think of the shadows on the ground caused by the setting sun and the way the shadows caress your face when your hair falls over your right eye.  but then the sun sets. and the darkness of night falls. and suddenly its dusk and those little things about you that the sunset reminds me of is gone. and instead i remember you telling me you don't love me anymore at 3 am. and you telling me no one would ...

you ask why. a simple three lettered word. why? yet for some reason i had no answer. you ask why i flinch when you touch me. its not that i despise the way your hand gently brushes mine, or the butterflies that swarm my stomach when you look at me. its not that i don't love the warm flush i feel when your hand rests on my knee or around my waist. its not that i don't find the chills you give me exhilarating. its not that the thought of you alone doesn't cause me to blush. its not that i don't love how perfectly your hand fits in mine, as if we were a clay sculpture, incomplete without the other.  IM DAMAGED   i can't tell you that i flinch because someone once tried to touch me like you do, but instead of a gentle caress, they attacked with malice and greed. i can't tell you that the same place your hand brushes, another hand has already beaten and bruised. i can't tell you that i was raised to believe that all sweet words are lies, and that i never believe ...